Yeah, you read that right.

Hill People.

I don’t exactly know what they are or where they are, but Hollywood has conditioned me to think that they are found in the wild hollers of the deep south. They will exhibit most of the following characteristics:

  • Walk with a limp
  • drool
  • have a lazy eye or two
  • stare in a creepy way
  • speak like a hillbilly
  • play the banjo

Unfortunately, I don’t know exactly what Hill People want from us regular folk.  And I don’t completely know what they will do to us, once we are captured (though I assume it to be terrifying).  From my research, when one encounters Hill People, one can assume these 4 things:

  • You won’t have cell reception.
  • Your car will break down/run out of gas/be sabotaged by said Hill People
  • You should NOT trust the friendly town police cop who offers you help and then lures you in to the heart of the Hill People’s den.
  • The Hill People are inbred.

Thing is, I love the idea of getting in the car, hitching the trailer and just….driving.

I love having no schedule, no stress over reservations and the whole concept of drive deep into the middle of nowhere and just hanging out and exploring. But my fear of Hill People keeps me tightly restricted to the confines of state parks and KOAs.

It seems no one can universally deny the existence of Hill People.  And while they seem to be an urban legend, there are far too many movies made about Hill People to assume they are folklore.  Kinda like zombies.  So I’ve decided that if I want to roam the world, I need to be prepared.  My plans include:

  • ammunition and the right to bear arms, axes, baseball bats, crossbows and knives
  • the training to use all with the deadly force necessary to fight Hill People (who I assume are very tenacious)
  • Satellite internet and phone
  • off the grid power
  • Four wheel drive
  • Jeff – so he can fix our truck when it breaks, thus saving us from being victims of the Hill People’s schemes
  • International Immunity would be nice, so that there are no repercussions to any of the above.
  • Three separate GPS devices + Thompson guides covering every square inch of Hill People territory (which frankly, is the whole world, since I still have no idea where they are)

That is all.

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